Did You Ever Stop To Think…

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You know….there was a time when I first heard this quote….and it made me truly laugh out loud. I have seen and heard this exact thing happen to many a person, including people close to me. And at the time…it seemed funny.

But not so much anymore.

As Meniere’s and Fibromyalgia are eating away at my body…they are also eating away at my mind. Brain Fog is a symptom of BOTH of these illnesses….and honestly…it is probably one of the things that makes me the most depressed.

“Brain fog, also commonly known as brain fatigue, can be a mild to severe episode of mental confusion that can strike without warning. When this occurs, it is common to experience a lack of focus, poor memory recall and reduced mental acuity.”

There are times during my days that I will start a sentence, and if interrupted (even for a second) will lose total track of what I was saying and never get it back.  There are words that totally escape me anymore.  I forget having conversations with people.  I forget doing certain tasks….that I just did.

I hate this!

First…I hate it because I never truly understood it when other people were dealing with it.  My mom has been dealing with it for years….and although I say I understood…I didn’t really.  I don’t think anyone truly can unless you have actually had to deal with it.  And it hurts me to think that I used to say to my mom “It’s ok…I understand” and watch her nod as if she agreed that I did.  She knew I didn’t understand.  She does now…but that doesn’t take away the pain I feel for all the times I said “I understand” and she sat there wishing and hoping that she had someone in her life that truly understood what she was going through.

And I hate it….because I am a LOVER of words.  As a writer….I write due to my passion of words; their sounds, their meanings, the way you can manipulate them, interpret them, utilize them, exploit them, harness them….LOVE THEM!

And if I lose my ability to remember these words….how am I going to be able to write?How am I going to be able to express myself?  This was my outlet.  This was my way of getting out everything that I needed to expel from deep inside, instead of keeping it all bottled up festering like I did for so may years.

I don’t want this.  I don’t know how to deal with this.

I am trying.  I just don’t know if I am succeeding.

Scott

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My Wife’s Favorite Picture

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Right now….this is my wife’s favorite picture of me!  She thinks it is absolutely adorable.

I wouldn’t disagree….except for the fact that I was having a really bad vertigo attack at the time.

Now…you may be wondering about the caps…and maybe about the stuffed Panda.

First…the Panda.  His name is Alex.  Alex belonged to my wife René before we met.  After we got together…Alex became mine.  Nuff said.

Now…the caps.  When I am having a really bad attack…I like to have a cap on over my ears.  It helps.  It keeps them warm…keeps out weird noises…..keeps out air….keeps out other things that tend to bother me when I am having vertigo.  So why is Alex wearing one too?

Well…sometimes I toss and turn….and mine falls off.  So….if I put one on Alex…I know that if I wake up and mine is MIA…I can grab his and have a spare handy.

See…makes total sense…doesn’t it??

Brain Fog…

Clouding of consciousness, also known as brain fog or mental fog, is a term used in medicine denoting an abnormality in the regulation of the overall level of consciousness that is mild and less severe than a delirium. The sufferer experiences a subjective sensation of mental clouding described as feeling “foggy”.

For me…this is one the absolute worst symptoms of Meniere’s Disease.  I saw this quote from someone that has this the other day.  “I also noticed at work… I don’t even look anyone in the eye, and when someone talks to me, I barely understand what they’re saying. I just want to be alone so I don’t have to interact with anyone.”

This is what Brain Fog does.  It messes with your mind to the point that you just don’t want to be around people.  That you just don’t want to have to think.  That you aren’t asked any questions.  That you don’t have to speak.  That you don’t want to forget the important things in your life.  That you just don’t want to….live.

Think about that for a second.

Brain Fog

Feelings…

Sometimes it is really hard for people with Chronic Illnesses to accept all the feelings that they are having!  And sometimes…it is hard for those who love and support people with Chronic Illnesses to accept them as well.

Just remember…It’s Perfectly Okay!!  FEELINGS MAKE YOU HUMAN!

Feelings

Vertigo with Jezzie

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This past week-end, I was at Mom’s house visiting when I had another vertigo attack.  I quickly laid down on the floor to let see if I could get it to pass.

While I was there…the neighborhood cat that Mom has named Jezzie and lets in the house every now and then, decided to lay down with me.

Mom was able to capture this cute picture of the moment.

Scott Booker & The Woozy Wobbles

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My name is Scott Booker, and at the age of 44 my life started spinning out of control. Literally!  I was driving to work one day, when all of a sudden everything around me started spinning in my head, I got extremely dizzy and I felt like I was going to vomit and pass out.  Somehow, I managed to get my car off to the side of the road without having a major accident.  Once I got to the side of the road, I opened up the car door and threw up; my head still spinning.  I had no idea what was happening.

It is now 8 months later and my life has changed drastically. Although it took a very long time (more details about that later), I was finally diagnosed with Ménière’s Disease.

Meniere’s disease is a disorder of the inner ear that causes episodes in which you feel as if you’re spinning (vertigo), and you have fluctuating hearing loss with a progressive, ultimately permanent loss of hearing, ringing in the ear (tinnitus), and sometimes a feeling of fullness or pressure in your ear.

That is the definition that Doctors give those of us suffering with this debilitating illness. The above definition does not even begin to explain what having Meniere’s is like.

So, I have started documenting everything about my journey with Meniere’s and I am putting it into a book so that others may benefit from my story.

One of the items not listed in the definition above, is that you are constantly dizzy.  You often times stumble around, unable to get your bearings, find your footing, run into walls or even have drop attacks (which I will discuss more later as well).  One thing that I strive to do is to maintain my sanity and sense of humor, so I like to call all of this “Having the Woozy Wobbles.”

So, the name of my book is going to be called “The Woozy Wobbles – My Journey With Ménière’s Disease.   Sense I am still struggling to even function on a daily basis, this book may take awhile to get done, but my mind is made up and I am determined to never lose hope and to always keep fighting.