Think Positive…


I am always having people tell people to “Think Positive” and to “Stay Positive” and that “Everything will be ok.”

I honestly and truly hate this.  I mean…I know they are trying to help.  And I appreciate the love and support that they are trying to give.

But sometimes…Being Positive and Thinking Positive….just….isn’t….possible.

And people don’t get that.  And I understand.  I have been on the other side.  I have seen other people suffering and I want to do and say something to help.  And I never really know what to say or do.

So…today…I have made the commitment to myself that if anyone tells me to THINK POSITIVE or to BE POSITIVE….

I am just going to think of the quote above!  And then the person that is trying to support me is going to think I have gone mad since I will probably start chuckling…and then not be able to stop.  And although I will try to stop…it will only get worse and then the laughing out loud will commence and I will look like a damn fool.

But I am good with that!  I am positive that I am good with that!


Medications and Side Effects


So…I am going on 1 3/4 years with Menieres now….and one thing that I have quickly realized over the course of time is that all…AND I MEAN ALL…of my medications interact poorly with each other.

And it mainly is due to the fact that each one counteracts each others side effects.

For example…I take a medication that helps me with my nausea.  This medication has a side effect of “headaches”.  I take a medication for headaches that has a side effect of “nausea”

Now…both of these medications say possible side effects can be nausea and headaches.  WTF???  You are giving me a medicine to relieve something that has a side effect that can induce the exact same problem??

And all of the medications tell me I shouldn’t drink alcohol with them.  WHY THE HELL NOT?  This freaking disease makes me look and act drunk….I might as well get to enjoy something from it??

Now….don’t be alarmed….I am not drinking 20 beers with my 10 Valium.  Cause heaven knows….that would make me nauseated!

Brain Fog Sucks


Still…to this day….BRAIN FOG is one of the worst things about this F**King disease.

I hate not remembering.

I hate saying things completely wrong…even though what is in my head is correct.

I hate that I sound like an idiot when I talk sometimes.

I hate that I can’t remember even the simplest of things.

I….what was I talking about???

Did You Ever Stop To Think…


You know….there was a time when I first heard this quote….and it made me truly laugh out loud. I have seen and heard this exact thing happen to many a person, including people close to me. And at the time…it seemed funny.

But not so much anymore.

As Meniere’s and Fibromyalgia are eating away at my body…they are also eating away at my mind. Brain Fog is a symptom of BOTH of these illnesses….and honestly…it is probably one of the things that makes me the most depressed.

“Brain fog, also commonly known as brain fatigue, can be a mild to severe episode of mental confusion that can strike without warning. When this occurs, it is common to experience a lack of focus, poor memory recall and reduced mental acuity.”

There are times during my days that I will start a sentence, and if interrupted (even for a second) will lose total track of what I was saying and never get it back.  There are words that totally escape me anymore.  I forget having conversations with people.  I forget doing certain tasks….that I just did.

I hate this!

First…I hate it because I never truly understood it when other people were dealing with it.  My mom has been dealing with it for years….and although I say I understood…I didn’t really.  I don’t think anyone truly can unless you have actually had to deal with it.  And it hurts me to think that I used to say to my mom “It’s ok…I understand” and watch her nod as if she agreed that I did.  She knew I didn’t understand.  She does now…but that doesn’t take away the pain I feel for all the times I said “I understand” and she sat there wishing and hoping that she had someone in her life that truly understood what she was going through.

And I hate it….because I am a LOVER of words.  As a writer….I write due to my passion of words; their sounds, their meanings, the way you can manipulate them, interpret them, utilize them, exploit them, harness them….LOVE THEM!

And if I lose my ability to remember these words….how am I going to be able to write?How am I going to be able to express myself?  This was my outlet.  This was my way of getting out everything that I needed to expel from deep inside, instead of keeping it all bottled up festering like I did for so may years.

I don’t want this.  I don’t know how to deal with this.

I am trying.  I just don’t know if I am succeeding.


My Wife’s Favorite Picture



Right now….this is my wife’s favorite picture of me!  She thinks it is absolutely adorable.

I wouldn’t disagree….except for the fact that I was having a really bad vertigo attack at the time.

Now…you may be wondering about the caps…and maybe about the stuffed Panda.

First…the Panda.  His name is Alex.  Alex belonged to my wife René before we met.  After we got together…Alex became mine.  Nuff said.

Now…the caps.  When I am having a really bad attack…I like to have a cap on over my ears.  It helps.  It keeps them warm…keeps out weird noises…..keeps out air….keeps out other things that tend to bother me when I am having vertigo.  So why is Alex wearing one too?

Well…sometimes I toss and turn….and mine falls off.  So….if I put one on Alex…I know that if I wake up and mine is MIA…I can grab his and have a spare handy.

See…makes total sense…doesn’t it??